I wrote this post four months ago, right before I was miraculously given a scholarship to treatment. At that point I assumed I had no treatment options and my doctor told me I was going to die without treatment. I planned to submit it somewhere anonymously but now that I’ve shared my story, I decided to share it here. TRIGGER WARNING as this discusses weight lost and eating disorder behaviors so please take that into consideration before reading.
Last week I was rejected from an inpatient eating disorder program because I’m not underweight. I’m not underweight and therefore my eating disorder is irrelevant. I shouldn’t be surprised as this has been my experience in my twenty year battle with an eating disorder. But I still felt somewhat disappointed as it was my only option for help with the insurance I have and now I’m currently out of options.Never mind that I lost more than 1/3 of my body weight by starving myself, never mind that I force myself to throw up every single day. Never mind that my pancreas has been starting to show signs of strain or that I had a tear in my esophagus. Never mind that I passed out in the shower after my workout last week. My eating disorder is invisible and my eating disorder is irrelevant because I’m not underweight.
I often have a tough time believing that my eating disorder is problematic. Denial is pretty common in eating disorders but I have treatment centers and insurance confirming that my eating disorder doesn’t warrant additional help. Admission to inpatient and residential treatment centers are largely based on BMI. So someone who was slim to begin with, lost weight due to their eating disorder, and is now underweight can easily be admitted for treatment. Myself on the other hand? I lost 60 lbs in a couple of months and purge 2-6x a day but I only got to an average BMI. My body is always going to be naturally larger due to genetics, PCOS, and years of starving myself.
For the entire 6 years of my blogging career, I’ve kept a huge part of my life secret. I don’t necessarily regret it but this secret has come along with layers and layers of shame and exhaustion. Today I want to share my truth.
The truth is that I’ve been battling a pretty intense eating disorder for the last 20 years of my life. I thought I’d wait to share my story once I was fully recovered but the reality is that I haven’t yet come close to achieving recovery at all. I’m in treatment for the second time this year because the only way I’ve known how to feel safe is by starving and purging. (more…)
Dieting and the pursuit of weight loss is harmful to women and our society as a whole. If we are so busy trying to shrink ourselves and obsess over “improving” our bodies, then we are less likely to have the brain space to focus on things that truly matter. Like Naomi Wolf so eloquently puts it, “Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history.”
Dieting has been proven to fail in the long term for the vast majority. Not only don’t they work, but they often wreak havoc on our metabolisms, causing people to end up at higher weights than when they started. Along with that comes weight cycling as people “fall off the diet wagon” again and again and weight cycling is associated with hypertension, inflammation, increased risk of diabetes, and more (all the things people associate with fatness). Instead of people blaming diets, they blame themselves. “I just need more self control. I just need to try harder. I just need to try this diet instead. I just need to do low carb this time.” Sound familiar?
This post is for those of you who are interested in exploring the alternative to dieting but still might be struggling with the seductive nature of the trendy diets like F Factor. It is so normal to want to lose weight in the culture we live in; I mean, the diet industry is billions of dollars invested in you believing your body is a problem in need of fixing.
Let’s start with what what makes this F Factor diet so incredibly special (more…)
*My boss, Dr. Conason, wrote mindful eating posts for Halloween and Thanksgiving and I’ve adapted them for Chanukah with her permission. You can read the original posts here and here.*
Chanukah is almost here and personally, it’s always been my favorite holiday. Unfortunately, diet culture can put a damper on holiday spirit – by making us feel guilt and shame for eating doughnuts and latkes or having us worry about the calories and how it’ll impact our weight. It can feel especially frustrating when you want to be present and enjoy the time with people you love but food anxiety can overshadow everything! I know that for those of you that struggle with disordered eating or eating disorders, holiday time can be particularly challenging.
But I do think it’s possible to enjoy Chanukah, even in our crazy diet-obsessed world. Here are three tips to having a mindful and fun Chanukah: (more…)